Category: Coaching Tips For Parents

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Coaching Tips For Parents

Building EQ in Your Child Starts With You

As a parent, you are in the best position to help your child develop their emotional intelligence.  You can use your skills as a parent coach and the GROW method to help your child be aware of their emotions. Researcher John Gottman refers to this as being an “emotion coach.”  But children learn largely by example, even when you’re not intentionally trying to teach them.  Becoming an emotion coach for your child starts by role modeling EQ skills in your interactions with them and other family members.

Children Learn From What We Do

“Family life is our first school for emotional learning,” states Daniel Goleman, the author of the best-selling book Emotional Intelligence. Through family life “we learn how to feel about ourselves and how others will react to our feelings; how to think about these feelings and what choices we have in reacting; how to read and express hopes and fears.” Goleman says this learning takes place not only in what parents say, but in how they treat each other. When parents are emotionally competent in their own relationships, they are more capable of helping their children work through their emotional challenges.  If we don’t have a healthy way of handling our own emotions, we will have trouble teaching our kids how to handle theirs. 

Control Your Own Emotions First

Have you every been upset with your child but you didn’t manage your anger well…turning it on them?  This can then raise the temperature with them and provoke an angry response.   We then try to settle our child down, but it could have been avoided if we had managed our anger better.   This happened on occasion with my son, as I found myself losing patience and sometime directing my anger at him.  He would then turn defensive and get angry back at me.  I would then coach him to settle down and manage his anger better.  Sound hypocritical?  It was…and I realized I had to manage my own emotions better if I wanted him to do the same.

“Anyone can be angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not easy.” 

Aristotle

One of the most important things to remember is not to blame your child for making you angry or disappointed.  They haven’t made you angry…you are responsible for your own emotions.   This is an important lesson for children, but adults have a hard time with this concept.  Showing your child that you can get frustrated without blaming and throwing a fit will reinforce this expected behavior with your child. Developing your EQ by managing your emotions will help them improve their own emotional intelligence. 

Share Your Emotions With Your Child

The best way to foster emotional intelligence in your children is to show it.  Tell your children how you are feeling and allow them to perceive it.  Practice the four components of emotional intelligence as you start to coach your children in social and emotional learning.  The change starts with us and, fortunately, emotional intelligence can be improved at any age.  As you start to engage your child in recognizing their emotions, make sure you do the same.  If they do something that angers you, instead of lashing back at them, pause and share with them how you feel and why…but don’t blame.  Bringing emotions to the fore front to acknowledge them is the first step, and you can do this with your own emotions as you help your child develop their emotional intelligence.  To learn more about modeling EQ with your child, check out this article:  How to teach your child emotional regulation skills in 6 steps – Mindful Little Minds

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Coaching Tips For Parents

Is Emotional Intelligence More Important Than IQ?

Is emotional intelligence a bigger contributor to personal success than IQ?  A growing body of research indicates so.  Simply state, Emotional Intelligence, or EQ, is the capacity to be aware of, control, and express your emotions.  More so than IQ, emotional intelligence can be improved with practice. Research shows that children with higher emotional intelligence are happier and more successful in school.  Using your parent coaching skills to help your child develop their emotional intelligence early in their life will benefit them throughout their lifetime.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

In the mid 1990s, Daniel Goleman, a Harvard educated psychologist, introduced the idea of emotional intelligence in his best-selling book, Emotional Intelligence.  Goleman’s book was targeted toward business leadership and became a New York Times bestseller, with more than 5 million copies sold worldwide.  Goleman has gone on to be an advocate of teaching children the skills for improving emotional intelligence.

Goleman defines emotional intelligence as a set up four skills that can be learned, practiced, and improved:

  1. Self awareness – Knowing our own emotions.
  2. Self regulation – Being able to manage and control how we react to our emotions.
  3. Empathy – Understanding the emotions of others.
  4. Social skills – Being able to build social connections and rapport with others.

These four skills can be learned by children starting at an early age. Goleman was so committed to the importance of building emotional intelligence in children, he co-founded the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL) at the Yale Child Studies Center.   CASEL has done extensive research on the importance of teaching kids how to improve their emotional intelligence.

Teaching Emotional Intelligence in School

The Yale Child Studies Center has developed the RULER program for schools to teach children how to recognize and manage their emotions. It closely parallels Goleman’s EQ skills identified above.  RULER is an acronym that stands for Recognizing emotions in your self and others, Understanding the causes and consequences of emotions, Labeling emotions accurately, Expressing emotions appropriately, and Regulating emotions effectively. The program has been shown to boost student’s emotional intelligence and improve academic performance while reducing anxiety, depression, and instances of bullying between students.

Developing EQ During Early Childhood

Helping children to develop good social and emotional skills early in life makes a big difference in their long-term health and well-being.  Studies have shown that children’s social and emotional functioning begin to stabilize around the age of eight and can help predict their mental health later in life.  Research has shown that emotional intelligence predicts over 54% of the variation in success in relationships, effectiveness, health, and overall quality of life.  Additional data indicates that young people with high emotional intelligence earn better grades and make healthier choices.

Emotional intelligence begins to develop in the earliest years. All the small exchanges children have with their parents, teachers, and with each other carry emotional messages.

Daniel Goleman

When children learn to express their emotions constructively before and while they are in their lower elementary grades, they are more likely to avoid serious mental health problems as they grow older.  

The Benefits of Building EQ In Children

Numerous studies have found that children who possess social and emotional skills are happier, more confident, and more capable as students and family members.  At the same time, they are far less likely to experience harmful behaviors later in life, such as substance abuse, depression, or violence. Helping your child develop their social and emotional skills will help them become healthy, caring, and competent adults.

Emotional intelligence is not just a concept that applies to business leaders as was the initial focus of Daniel Goleman’s best-selling book.  The skills to build emotional intelligence can be taught to and learned by children.  Research shows that as these skills are practiced and improved, children flourish…improving school performance and developing a stronger sense of self that will benefit them throughout their lifetime.  

Teaching EQ As A Parent Coach

You can use your new-found skills as a parent coach to promote social and emotional learning with your child.  Look for opportunities to engage with your child using the GROW approach to help them understand their emotions and become more aware of the emotions of others.  To learn more about social and emotional learning for children, check out this article from Daniel Goleman: The importance of developing Emotional Intelligence in children… and in adults. | GolemanEI.com

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Coaching Tips For Parents

Parent Coaching Is As Simple as G-R-O-W

A simple framework for business coaching was developed in England years ago and has gained in popularity in the US over the past decade.  This coaching model, known as “GROW,” can also be very useful for parent coaching.   It provides a simple approach to engage your child for social and emotional learning and to guide them in decision making.  The method is simple, but it takes patience and listening skills to guide your child through the process. 

The Four Steps in G-R-O-W

The coaching framework known as the GROW model is made up of four steps:  G — agreeing on the Goal; R–understanding the Reality;  O — coming up with Options to accomplish the goal;  and W — developing the Wayforward, or action plan. Starting to engage your child as early as 3-4 years old using the GROW model will help them be more emotionally aware, more empathetic, and self-responsible children.  When using the process to coach early in their childhood, you’ll use very basic questions as you guide them through the GROW framework to make simple decisions.   As your child becomes older and into their adolescence years, you’ll ask more detailed and involved questions as the decision making is more complex.

“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.”

– Benjamin Franklin

The Goal

The first step is to help them understand what they want in a particular situation.  Let’s use an example of helping a young child make a decision on what to wear when going outside on a cold day.  The conversation may start by your child approaching you and saying he or she wants to play outside…that is their goal.   You may ask if they should stay warm and safe when playing outside. This would be the agreed-upon mutual goal.  Another example involving a teenager is when I recently questioned my son on what college he wanted to attend after he graduated from high school next year. He mentioned a few schools he was interested in that have a good criminology program…that was his goal.

The Reality

Once you’ve helped your child develop a clear goal, the next step in the process is to have them understand the current situation.  This is the “R” in GROW, or the Reality.  In the case of the child wanting to play outside, you might question them on how cold it is outside.  You could ask a few probing questions to help them assess this, like “if there is ice or snow outside, do you think it’s really cold?”  In this step, you should help your child understand consequences for making poor decisions, like…”what do you think will happen if you don’t wear your heavy coat outside?”   For my son’s goal for attending a college with a strong criminology program, I asked him if he knew the admission requirements for the colleges he was interested in.  He was somewhat aware of the high standards for a couple of the schools but not aware of the requirements for a few others. That led to him doing some research before we talked about the next step.

Options

To help them determine the Options, ask them what ideas they have to address the situation and achieve their goal.  For the child who wants to play outside on a cold day, you might ask them their ideas to keep them warm and safe…a heavy coat?…should they wear gloves?…a hat?  For my teenage son, I asked his ideas on what he could do to meet the admission requirements of the schools he was interested in.  This led to ideas to take an SAT prep class and to get involved in some community volunteer activities.

The Way-Forward

The last step is to get them to make a decision…the “Way-Forward” in the GROW model.  When they are young, they won’t need to have a detailed action plan but have them determine THE action. In the example for playing outside in the cold, the way-forward is getting them to make the decision to wear their heavy coat, gloves, and a hat.  For my teenager, helping him develop a more detailed, time specific action plan was needed.  We agreed on where and when to take an SAT prep course and some volunteer activities that he was going to pursue.

Guiding your child in making good decisions will take some patience.  Being a parent coach and using GROW requires more time than just telling them what to do, which is our tendency in most cases.   Coaching them through a few simple questions using the GROW model will help them in making their own decisions and build self-responsibility. Start with some simple opportunities to engage your child in using the GROW approach.  With practice, you will become more comfortable and effective in using this question-based method to complement your current parenting approach.  You’ll be amazed on how this simple approach will help your child GROW.  To learn more about using the GROW approach, check out this article:  What is the GROW Coaching Model? (incl. Questions + Examples) (positivepsychology.com).

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Coaching Tips For Parents

How Becoming a Parent Coach Can Help Your Child Thrive

Many of us have experienced coaching our child’s youth sports teams.   Coaching youth sports can be rewarding, but it’s often confused with parent coaching.  Parent coaching doesn’t involve barking out directions to pass the ball or play defense. It’s a style of parenting that involves asking questions of your child so they become aware of situations and can make their own decisions.  Parent coaching is a simple approach that provides powerful benefits for your child that can last their lifetime.

Parent Coaching Doesn’t Involve Swarm Soccer

As my son was growing up, I enjoyed coaching his little league baseball teams.  It was a great way to connect with my son…while trying to get him from picking dandelions in the outfield. Most of my time coaching the team was spent providing directions and instructions. Parent coaching involves more listening and asking questions.

Ask More Questions and Do Less Demanding

As a parent coach, you use questions to help your child gain awareness of their emotions and situations.  Instead of quickly resorting to giving directions, which most of us parents are prone to do, you engage your child with some simple questions to help them understand the situation and arrive at their own decision.  This approach encourages children to take responsibility for their own actions, which brings about change in your child more rapidly. 

Benefits of Parent Coaching

By helping them make their own decisions, their commitment to the decision increases and their performance improves.  Parent coaching helps to develop good judgement, build confidence, and create a sense of independence with your child. Studies have shown that parent coaching can improve your child’s social and emotional development early in their childhood and can be used throughout their teenage years as their decisions become more complex and involved.

“It’s not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them successful human beings”

– Ann Landers

How To Become A Parent Coach

Parent coaching can be easily learned and practiced while integrating it into your existing parenting approach.  You don’t need a degree or special certification to be an effective parent coach.  You don’t need to hire a professional parent coach and pay them $$/hour…although this seems to be gaining in popularity.   You can follow a simple approach to become a parent coach.

An awareness of your current parenting style is a good place to start as you move toward using a coaching approach with your child.  Research has identified four widely accepted parenting styles:

  • Authoritative
  • Authoritarian
  • Permissive
  • Uninvolved/neglecting

The studies are clear that authoritative parenting is the preferred parenting style. Authoritative parents have rules, and they use consequences, but they also take their children’s opinions into account. They set clear boundaries but also encourage children’s independence within those limits. Discipline in such families may be more supportive than punitive, and as children get older, their independence increases. Often parents don’t fit into just one category, so don’t despair if there are times or areas where you tend to be permissive and other times when you’re more authoritative. 

Moving From Authoritarian to Authoritative

A coaching approach can help you move from a controlling, authoritarian style to a more authoritative style. Most of us parent primarily through directing…”do this, don’t do that.”  Do you always find yourself providing instructions and directions? Giving firm directions is a necessary part of parenting…but start noticing how often you ask your child questions about various situations.   Do you ask how they are feeling?  Or how someone else might feel when something happened to them?  Start engaging your child in some simple questions to help them become more aware of situations and guide them in decision making.  This simple approach can help develop happy, confident, and independent children.  If you’re interested in learning more about parent coaching, check out The Parent Coach: A Site for Proactive Parents