Emotional Intelligence -

Children Learn From What We Do

“Family life is our first school for emotional learning,” states Daniel Goleman, the author of the best-selling book Emotional Intelligence. Through family life “we learn how to feel about ourselves and how others will react to our feelings; how to think about these feelings and what choices we have in reacting; how to read and express hopes and fears.” Goleman says this learning takes place not only in what parents say, but in how they treat each other. When parents are emotionally competent in their own relationships, they are more capable of helping their children work through their emotional challenges. If we don’t have a healthy way of handling our own emotions, we will have trouble teaching our kids how to handle theirs.

Control Your Own Emotions First

Have you every been upset with your child but you didn’t manage your anger well…turning it on them? This can then raise the temperature with them and provoke an angry response. We then try to settle our child down, but it could have been avoided if we had managed our anger better. This happened on occasion with my son, as I found myself losing patience and sometime directing my anger at him. He would then turn defensive and get angry back at me. I would then coach him to settle down and manage his anger better. Sound hypocritical? It was…and I realized I had to manage my own emotions better if I wanted him to do the same.

“Anyone can be angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not easy.”
Aristotle

One of the most important things to remember is not to blame your child for making you angry or disappointed. They haven’t made you angry…you are responsible for your own emotions. This is an important lesson for children, but adults have a hard time with this concept. Showing your child that you can get frustrated without blaming and throwing a fit will reinforce this expected behavior with your child. Developing your EQ by managing your emotions will help them improve their own emotional intelligence.

Share Your Emotions With Your Child

The best way to foster emotional intelligence in your children is to show it. Tell your children how you are feeling and allow them to perceive it. Practice the four components of emotional intelligence as you start to coach your children in social and emotional learning. The change starts with us and, fortunately, emotional intelligence can be improved at any age. As you start to engage your child in recognizing their emotions, make sure you do the same. If they do something that angers you, instead of lashing back at them, pause and share with them how you feel and why…but don’t blame. Bringing emotions to the fore front to acknowledge them is the first step, and you can do this with your own emotions as you help your child develop their emotional intelligence. To learn more about modeling EQ with your child, check out this article: How to teach your child emotional regulation skills in 6 steps – Mindful Little Minds

Is emotional intelligence a bigger contributor to personal success than IQ? A growing body of research indicates so. Simply state, Emotional Intelligence, or EQ, is the capacity to be aware of, control, and express your emotions. More so than IQ, emotional intelligence can be improved with practice. Research shows that children with higher emotional intelligence are happier and more successful in school. Using your parent coaching skills to help your child develop their emotional intelligence early in their life will benefit them throughout their lifetime.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

In the mid 1990s, Daniel Goleman, a Harvard educated psychologist, introduced the idea of emotional intelligence in his best-selling book, Emotional Intelligence. Goleman’s book was targeted toward business leadership and became a New York Times bestseller, with more than 5 million copies sold worldwide. Goleman has gone on to be an advocate of teaching children the skills for improving emotional intelligence.

Goleman defines emotional intelligence as a set up four skills that can be learned, practiced, and improved:

Self awareness – Knowing our own emotions.
Self regulation – Being able to manage and control how we react to our emotions.
Empathy – Understanding the emotions of others.
Social skills – Being able to build social connections and rapport with others.

These four skills can be learned by children starting at an early age. Goleman was so committed to the importance of building emotional intelligence in children, he co-founded the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL) at the Yale Child Studies Center. CASEL has done extensive research on the importance of teaching kids how to improve their emotional intelligence.

Teaching Emotional Intelligence in School

The Yale Child Studies Center has developed the RULER program for schools to teach children how to recognize and manage their emotions. It closely parallels Goleman’s EQ skills identified above. RULER is an acronym that stands for Recognizing emotions in your self and others, Understanding the causes and consequences of emotions, Labeling emotions accurately, Expressing emotions appropriately, and Regulating emotions effectively. The program has been shown to boost student’s emotional intelligence and improve academic performance while reducing anxiety, depression, and instances of bullying between students.

Developing EQ During Early Childhood

Helping children to develop good social and emotional skills early in life makes a big difference in their long-term health and well-being. Studies have shown that children’s social and emotional functioning begin to stabilize around the age of eight and can help predict their mental health later in life. Research has shown that emotional intelligence predicts over 54% of the variation in success in relationships, effectiveness, health, and overall quality of life. Additional data indicates that young people with high emotional intelligence earn better grades and make healthier choices.

Emotional intelligence begins to develop in the earliest years. All the small exchanges children have with their parents, teachers, and with each other carry emotional messages.
Daniel Goleman

When children learn to express their emotions constructively before and while they are in their lower elementary grades, they are more likely to avoid serious mental health problems as they grow older.

The Benefits of Building EQ In Children

Numerous studies have found that children who possess social and emotional skills are happier, more confident, and more capable as students and family members. At the same time, they are far less likely to experience harmful behaviors later in life, such as substance abuse, depression, or violence. Helping your child develop their social and emotional skills will help them become healthy, caring, and competent adults.

Emotional intelligence is not just a concept that applies to business leaders as was the initial focus of Daniel Goleman’s best-selling book. The skills to build emotional intelligence can be taught to and learned by children. Research shows that as these skills are practiced and improved, children flourish…improving school performance and developing a stronger sense of self that will benefit them throughout their lifetime.

Teaching EQ As A Parent Coach

You can use your new-found skills as a parent coach to promote social and emotional learning with your child. Look for opportunities to engage with your child using the GROW approach to help them understand their emotions and become more aware of the emotions of others. To learn more about social and emotional learning for children, check out this article from Daniel Goleman: The importance of developing Emotional Intelligence in children… and in adults. | GolemanEI.com